30 days of happiness :: 2

The people who are right here holding me together.

I am having a hard time with day two of happiness. It has been a very hard day today. I had a prenatal apt. with my midwives today; I am 13 weeks 3 days pregnant. They have a nice corner of toys in the waiting room that Lili was having fun with. So when it came time to go into the office room for my apt. Lili didn't want to come in. My midwife said it would be fine if she went back and forth between the waiting room and the exam room. So, Jan and I talked for a minute or two with the door open and then I peeked out to see how Lili was doing.
She was gone. I started looking in all the obvious places and then Jan and the receptionist started looking too. The receptionist found her out in the parking lot about 10 feet from the busy road. Somehow she had opened the heavy solid wood door and closed it behind her, and was headed toward the road. When we got back to the exam room to continue with my prenatal (and Jan had double locked the door) I was already shaking and holding back a flood of tears. The adrenaline that came with picturing what could have been was so intense...

A couple minutes after that Jan went to listen to the baby's heartbeat with the doppler... and she couldn't find it. We had easily heard it 3 weeks ago, but today there was only the swish of my pulse filling up the room. She tried twice and still nothing. At this stage you should be able to hear the heartbeat. I have an ultrasound first thing in the morning to see what is going on; but in the meantime while I wait, this day has been one of limbo and heavy thoughts...
So either our baby is gone, or I have two little Houdinis.

Alex and Lili have been bringing me as much joy and stability as is possible today.
XXX