unearthing.

Something very exciting has been stewing in my life the last few months that I have been hesitant to share until it actually happened. And this past week the final steps toward making it a reality have set into motion.

My big news is that I am getting my very own little studio!

I am moving in to our former bath-house where our composting toilet and our washing machine lived up until this week. We and the Carmona's both built indoor bathrooms to house our own personal composting toilets this past month, and David and Alex just moved our washing machine into the Carmona's new utility room. I started moving all of my tubs of untouched art supplies into the new space on Friday. It was exhilarating to open and unearth all of my treasures that have been packed away in storage. Some of them have been boxed up for years, and some only since I moved out of my temporary studio space I had last summer. We moved my art desk out of our crowded upstairs which also opened up a play area for Lili in our house. The bath-house (should I find a new name for it~ Esp. since ironically we never bathed in there???) is the cutest little building. It was the first thing David and Ema built when they moved onto this piece of land~ in fact it was the first thing either of them had EVER built. It is 8 feet by 8 feet, is full of windows, and has nice hardwood flooring.
So now my new studio is all messy and full of all of my supplies~ just waiting for me to set it all up pretty!

Here are some fun things I re found:

Oil paints:
A box of mica chips:
Printmaking stuff:
A bunch of old artwork and half written letters:Encaustic/wax supplies:
And wooden letter type:

{Also, Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. It is amazing to be feeling so up and down and stretched thin~ but simultaneously know that when I am on my *deathbed* these are the days I will cherish above all else. }

just in case it was seeming too picturesque.

misadventures.
#1.
The baby and I were upstairs last week and a funny, toxic smell wafted up. I called down to Alex who was cooking breakfast:
"Alex, there is a weird smell up here~ do you smell that?"
"No, I am just cooking bacon... Oh #@^(%%!#@! the heater is on fire!"
I peered over the railing to see flames leaping out of our propane heater and Alex pulling off the grate and hitting the fire with a towel. He quickly got the fire out, but the house was filled with tiny floating black specks and a terrible plastic smell. All that was left of the fire's culprit was a sticky pile of melted plastic at the bottom of the heater. It was a mess.
It turns out that Lili had slipped her plastic harmonica through the heater grate while it was not hot, and then the heater turned on~ setting the harmonica on fire.
oh dear.

#2.
Barf in the car seat.
Alex told me last week that he thinks my signing us up for the 9:15 Kindermusik class was possibly one of my biggest blunders in life. Even before the baby, it was a struggle to get Lili and myself out the door by 8:30 to make it in time... And now with the baby it is doubly, if not tripley, hard. This past Tuesday was one of my first solo town days with both kids. And we managed to make it out the door with just enough time to make it to Kindermusik (I really need to post about Lilikoi's awesome music class one of these days~ soon...). I was feeling pretty good about getting out of the house and feeling hopeful about the six stops/errands that the kids and I were were embarking upon that day (Kindermusik, 2 grocery stores, the P.O., the thrift store to find an Easter basket, and the library.)
But we live 12 miles down a VERY curvy, hairpin turney, type of road~ and just after we crossed over the Eastern Continental Divide, I heard a weird noise coming from the backseat. I looked in the rear view mirror just in time to see Lili throwing up everywhere.
I won't go into details, but I will say that it colored and effected the smell of the rest of the day. We forged on though, and successfully made it home in tact.
#3.
Yesterday was my sister's birthday, and we went to a lovely dinner party at her house. The second half of my day was wonderful, and the first half was trying. I don't know if I could call it a misadventures since nothing in particular happened, but I cried at the end of it.
Eliseo was fussy and wanting to be held every second. And Lili was especially needy and kept repeating "Hey Mama!?" over and over over. She would say "Hey Mama!?" and I would say "Yes, Lili?" or "What?" and she would reply "Hey Mama!?". On the fourth or fifth go round she would get to what she wanted to say. I counted her saying the word Mama over 30 times in a half hour period. Then the baby would be crying on top of Lili's questions~ and my head would be spinning. At the peak of my inability to deal Seo was crying and Lili was talking, and all of a sudden I hear this psssssssss noise. And Lili says "Mama! Mama, I am peeing!" (She has had a regression since Seo was born)
And I said "I know Lili. I know." And I closed my eyes, and bit my tongue, and heard the pee as it seeped through the floorboards and started dripping onto a pile of magazines downstairs...
Now that I am writing it down it sounds pretty lame that this brought me to tears ~ All I know is that I have been asked many times how life with two is going, and mostly my response has been "better than I thought i would be" but yesterday morning's response would have been "I am LOSING it." When I started to cry right along with Eliseo Lili came up right up to my face and said "Mama? You sad Mama?"
And I said "Yes, I feel sad. Mama's having a hard day."
Lili said "Oh..." very thoughtfully.
Then she got all up in my face, put her palms on my cheeks, and gave me a giant slobbery kiss and a great big hug.

one month

It is so hard to quantify a child's age emotionally. It is easy to say that Eliseo is a month old exactly today~ but is that a lot or a little? Of course it is a little, but he is already so embedded and important in our lives... and I feel a bit achy when I think about him already being 4 weeks old... so in those respects he feels so much older than one month.
And now Lili seems SO big, but I guarantee I will look back when she is a teenager on this time and she will seem so tiny. My mind could spin around this for a long time, but I am typing one handed (fussy baby in the other) and I definitely should go to bed.
Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to carve out some time to tell some adventure stories. ♥

a very happy Spring Equinox to you!

Hooray for Spring!!!

Well, I thought I might as well stay drinking decaf coffee like I have been the last six months... However, it only took one terrible nights sleep to completely undo that idea. Soooooo, welcome back coffee.

a little Lil time

another small February collage/painting

the new do

small February painting

happenings on a family day...

I am running a few days behind, but we had such a nice day on Sunday, and I managed to remember to take my camera out, that I wanted to share.
First off, it has been GORGEOUS out here. Warm, and sunny and spring-feeling.

The day started out with Alex getting up with Lili when she woke up at 5:30. So when Seo and I got up at 8:00 Alex went back to bed~ days off are so great like that...
When he re-woke up Alex made blueberry scones, and David and Ema came over for coffee and scones.After that we planned out what we wanted our garden to be like this year and made a seed order from the Fedco catalog. Eliseo had some gas and got a little back-rub from Auntie Ema. After it was resolved he promptly fell asleep.
While Alex was outside prepping a garden bed for peas, I decided to give Lilikoi a long overdue haircut. I bribed her with binky-time, and tried to work as fast as I could. It seems it is physically impossible for a two year old to stay still, and by the time I put the scissors down I was afraid that I had done some irrevocable damage. I drew her a bubble bath to clean away the itchy hair on her neck. (yes, she is still squeezing in the sink) And Seo got to dip his toes in too. Do you see Lili's toe nail polish? That was a special treat because she is a *big girl* now.
Surprisingly, her hair cut ended up looking really great~ I will have to take some pictures of it tomorrow.

painting for fun, and just because...

I shouldn't be so worried about not creating... this time I have a two year old who says, "Mama! lets make paint art!" And how can you resist that???
So maybe it is just in a different form than I was thinking... construction paper instead of archival fine art paper... and goopy paints that are all blended together ... and extra unexpected marks added from hands across the table...

Sometimes it is a long forgotten joy to just sit down and paint and doodle whatever~
with no expectations.

Yesterday when I sat down, Eliseo's birth is what spilled onto my page.
and Lili played with lots of greens.

The Opening of Eyes

That day I saw beneath dark clouds
the passing light over the water
and I heard the voice of the world speak out,
I knew then, as I had before
life is no passing memory of what has been
nor the remaining pages in a great book
waiting to be read.

It is the opening of eyes long closed.
It is the vision of far off things
seen for the silence they hold.
It is the heart after years
of secret conversing
speaking out loud in the clear air.

It is Moses in the desert
fallen to his knees before the lit bush.
It is the man throwing away his shoes
as if to enter heaven
and finding himself astonished,
opened at last,
fallen in love with solid ground.

-- David Whyte

new work

Here are two new small mixed media paintings I made a couple weeks ago. Today is the first day that Alex has gone back to work. I was a little nervous as to how I would juggle the two kids while trying to not overdo it as my body still feels like it is healing. But I have a wonderful pouch sling that Eliseo seems to like being in which allows me free hands while I hold him. And Lili just got invited to play over at the Carmonas~ so it is turning out to be much easier than I anticipated on this first solo day. (knock on wood)
As I scanned in these two paintings I was struck with a pang of reality about how challenging it is going to be to carve out art time in the near future. After I had Lili I didn't paint for over a year. By the end of that time I felt very heartsick for my passion. I am determined that this time will be different. It is my hope that this blog keeps me in check, and I am able to balance motherhood and being an artist gracefully.

questions...

I would like to thank everyone for all of the love, prayers, and well wishes that have flooded in over this last week. To know that our family members created beautiful alters for us, and complete strangers are taking the time to let us know how happy they are for us, and neighbors are making dinners each night, and loved ones are calling and emailing... we just feel encircled with love.

thank you.

I have been asked certain questions a few times and thought I could answer some perhaps.
#1. How do you pronounce Eliseo, and where did the name come from?
The name is pronounced L-E-Say-O and he is named after his biological grandfathers (although he also lucky enough to have two other wonderful grandfathers, Randy and Paul). Alex's Father is Eliseo (he also goes by Alex) and Dane is my Father. We just found out today that Eliseo is the Hispanic version of Elijah.
#2. You had an OB at your home birth?
Yes, I am really lucky and happy to have had a very unique doctor be our care provider(I would guess there are very few doctors who do home births in this country, if at all?). David and his wonderful apprentice Jenn only do home births. We went to his office for all of the prenatals, and then they came to us for the birth and postpartum visits. They were a great team, and I felt supported and safe.
#3. Does Eliseo have the Carmona toe???
Now, I am still unclear as to what the Carmona toe entails, but I have been assured that both my children posses this famous Carmona big toe. I have been told it is more than just the size, but I have yet to understand exactly what requirements you need to fit into this club. And here is a side view of this toe:#4. Who does he look like?
I have no idea. I see a little bit of cousin Gita, and a little bit of my Dad. Everyone always sees something different you know? A lot of the neighbors say he looks like Alex. All I know is he is a peanut, he has my dimples, and he changes every day.
#5. And lastly, everyone wants to know how Lilikoi is taking it all.
She is doing really well all things considered. She LOVES baby brother, and seems to harbor no ill will whatsoever toward him. She has been a tad bit challenging these past few days, but she is also two, and there were challenging days way before the baby came along. We are doing our best to deflect any of the frustrating parts of her day on things other than the baby, so hopefully she will not resent his arrival. Lots of gifts and special attention has been heaped on her by friends and family which is very thoughtful. Aunt Becca took her for an all day date today which was so sweet. I miss her, and can't wait to hear what they did.

day 3

day three.
the day when the colostrum turns to milk, and in turn my breasts swell to unripe grapefruits. the day when the hormones seem to rise as well, and tears can well up for no apparent reason.

there is a let down after months and months of being pregnant and wondering who and what your baby will be like, and the high of the birth. at the same time there is a relief and a thanksgiving that this anticipation is over...
It is all still so new, and yet the newness slipping away feels tangible too.
the nursing becomes more confident.
and the softness becomes more familiar.

and you just stareand stare.you are at the cusp of remembering so clearly how it felt when this little one was curled inside you, and you were bound together so intricately.
the other side ~your mother and son relationship~ stretches before you, daunting and beautiful.and you so clearly feel the pain and joy of your heart expanding yet again.